literary_equine (literary_equine) wrote,

Alan Loewen's Guide to Magical Girls

A big fan of the mahou shoujo (magical girl) genre of Japanese anime, I've learned a lot over the two years I've been collecting the DVD's and have since come up with a survival guide for those individuals who come into contact with magical girls:

  • If you are a parent of a magical girl, you are either unbelievably stupid or unbelievably smart. In either case, you will be ignorant of your little girl's true nature, ignoring the fact that she is continually being hunted down by multidimensional demons, prone to lengthy transformation scenes, that her bedroom has become a cosmic battleground, and she is prone to fits of crying.
  • If you are the brother or sister of a magical girl you are automatically a pain in the neck and you continually mistake her Pretty Pretty Purple Star of Atomic Blasting for a toy and her cute alien sidekick as a plushie.
  • If you are a boyfriend of a magical girl, you are simply toast. She is sure to develop an unbelievable crush on you that will automatically result in your being possessed by her deadliest enemy, Mango Gorgo of the Seven Abysses, causing your eyes to glow and you will then destroy whatever city you live in (which always looks like Tokyo) until she blasts you with her Lovely Lovely Amber Wand of Hideous Agony and then she will weep over your crushed and mangled body whereupon you will painfully gain consciousness and ask her out to the prom.
  • Girlfriends of a magical girl don't get off easy either. Most likely you will become green with jealousy and spend your high school years in ineffective attempts to thwart her every desire, or, heaven forbid, you will become her sidekick prone to being hunted down by multidimensional demons, lengthy (and embarrassing) transformation scenes, your bedroom becoming a cosmic battleground, and developing a strong tendency toward fits of crying. You will also die horribly at the hands of Dark Queen Usihgoruymnyu, your friend's worst enemy, though be assured that she will certainly avenge your death. You will also never get the guy. He belongs to your friend.
  • If, worst of all, you become the worst enemy of a magical girl, you're a dead man walking. There are certain things you can do:
  • Leave her friends and relatives alone. You will only succeed in making her cry and make her really, really mad. This is a bad thing.
  • If she corners you, remember you have one plus in your favor. The kid has a lengthy transformation scene, at least five minutes long, coming up. Depending on your inclinations you can either:
  • run away as fast as you can, or
  • blow her into next week. Bad guys spend way too much time standing around and tapping their feet while the girl magically changes her clothes and turns her lipstick case into the Cutey Cutey Emerald Staff of Painful Beating.
  • If you have captured her, eliminate her right away, mail her sidekick alien to Outer Slobovia and, for pity's sake, take away that cheap dimestore ring that is actually a Lovely, Pretty, Cutey Baton of Skull Crushing.
  • And always remember one very important thing .....

    Never, ever possess her boyfriend or her Unspeakably Cute and Beautiful Sparkly Sword of Disembowelment is the last thing you will see in this world.

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